9 Tips to Succeed in Crypto's Bull and Bear Market

Polkachu Team | 2022-05-07

Disclaimer: It is a shitpost and these tips are all terrible. Do not follow them!

Recently people are asking us, "The bear market is upon us. Polkachu, you are so smart. Can you give me some financial advice?"

Unlike many Internet assholes who love to disclaim "Not Financial Advice" before they spill nonsense, we are here to provide you with the financial advice you can use to succeed in a bull market and survive in a bear market. Here are the top 9 tips:

Don't Pay Tax: Why should the government take a big chunk of what rightfully belongs to you alone? Also, make sure to use some of the tax savings to buy a heavy object. You can use it to block the door when law enforcement is inevitably coming to arrest you.
Compound Often: Compound interest is the 8th wonder of the world. If you had just invested $1 in #Bitcoin every single day since 1980, you’d be worth $1.49 quadrillion today. Just let it sink in. h/t @atro
Hide your NFT: Many people make the mistakes of showing off their NFTs as profile pictures. Don't do this! Other people will right click and save to steal your NFT.
Diversify: Find one favorite NFT project. Invest in different permutations of background, hat, eye and hand object traits to diversify. If each NFT is one of a kind, it is safer to buy them all.
Trust Math: Crypto Twitter loves to tell you to do research in token utilities, but all you need is to trust math. A liquidity pool with 3000% APR is inherently better than 3% yield from a stable coin. Always go for the higher APR, because math does not lie.
Build Relationship with Project Team: Often times the team will reach out to you directly on Twitter or Discuss to offer help. That’s a great opportunity to build long-term relationship with the team. Prepare all information (especially those hard-to-remember nemonic words) that the team might need. Extra credit if you can make a joke like "I thought you would never DM me as indicated on your official handle. Very funny haha" to break the ice.
Don't Self-Custody Crypto: Centralized crypto exchanges (CEXs) have developed the marketing slogan "Not Your Key, Not Your Crypto" in an attempt to trick you into doing all the work for them. Do not fall for that. Outsource the risk of crypto custody to them. You might miss out some airdrops or staking rewards, but it is totally worth the tradeoff.
Go Full ESG: In case you have been living under a rock, ESG stands for Environmental, Social, and Governance and it is all the rage these days. It is the best way to judge a token. In general, a vegetable-themed coin is better than an animal-themed coin, because the former is lower in the food chain (no pun intended) and thus more environmentally friendly. Thus $YAM > $DOGE.
Do Comparison Shipping: Sometimes several coins can share the same name. The general advice is to buy the cheapest one. For example, you will see "Bitcoin", "Bitcoin Cash" and "Bitcoin SV". They are all the same. Only dummies will pay $40K for Bitcoin while you can pocket Bitcoin SV for $70.

Here you have it. Crypto is a long game. The bull and the bear come and go. Please do not risk more than you can afford to lose, enjoy the ride, have fun and live the life.